Silver's Journal #14

Entry #40 Thursday, 11/15/38 4:51am
    I can’t sleep. I am so so tired, but I just can’t sleep. And I feel like I can’t stop writing. Like, does writing in this thing help me or not? What if it makes me feel worse? What if in some alternate universe I never started a journal? Would I even be ok? Or would I be better off?
    But writing in a journal is actually like talking to someone for two reasons. First, it feels really good to let out your feelings at first. And secondly, you feel like complete crap when you think back on how much of your thoughts you revealed. Or maybe I’m the only one who has that feeling because… social anxiety.
    I constantly think back on when I woke up Shadow and told him so much that was going on in my head. It’s one of those memories that your brain reminds you of when it’s telling you that you are a piece of trash. I get it, brain. I get that that should have never happened, but I can’t take it back now. So, shut up. Seriously, I need to sleep, STOP THINKING. I’m really supposed to writing about what happened after that last journal, aren’t I?
    I never thought I’d say this, but I was relieved to see Rouge’s car. Why? Because at first I thought it was the police, or worse, some random guy seeing what’s up. And I never thought I’d say this either, but I was not glad to hear Shadow’s voice. I was so embarrassed. At least Rouge already doesn’t like me, and I don’t care what she thinks about me at all. But I want Shadow to respect me at least a little. Well, at least Shadow doesn’t totally hate me. Yet.
    So, it turns out Shadow asked Rouge to track my cell phone. Yeah, because she’s a government spy and she can do that. That’s how the two found me.
I wasn’t surprised by how annoyed Rouge looked, but I was very surprised at Shadow’s reaction to seeing me. I mean, the first thing I heard Shadow say was something like, “What if he just left his phone here on purpose? Oh my god, then how will we find him?” Yeah. “Oh my god.” I didn’t think I’d hear him say that ever. That’s probably the only part of that quote that I can guarantee is straight from his mouth, because I remember that part. Right as Rouge was going to respond, Shadow spotted me somehow (it was pretty dark) and ran down the hill towards me while yelling my name. At that point I kind of thought “oh, crap, I’m so busted.” Buuut instead he asked if I was ok, and then squeezed me a little too tightly telling me he was worried.
    Wait, really? But why did he care that I was gone at all? I am so confused. Everything he does and says seems to have no connection whatsoever. I don’t really know anything significant about Shadow. So why do I have feelings for someone I don’t know about? Whatever, that’s a question for me to think about some other time. My stupid crush on Shadow is not important right now.
I realized today that the reason I worry about my responsibilities and stuff is because, deep down, I don’t know if they’re worth doing. I feel like the way I’ve been going about life just isn’t right for me. I’ve doubted my career choice so many times, that I’m scared to follow through on my career plans. Life just feels so complicated and everything is just numbers and logic and… stuff. Life is a lot of repetition and scheduling, and that kind of freaks me out. It’s not like paying bills and all that other “grown-up” stuff is even new to me at this point, but it still feels so hard. I’m just really pathetic I guess. That’s usually my excuse though.
    But, do I even know who I am or what I want in life? Shouldn’t I know what I want to do for the rest of my life if I really know myself? And how can I do anything if I don’t know myself? I mean, I’m used to not thinking about my own existence because I don’t think I should matter as much as other people. Plus, my existence feels pretty embarrassing sometimes.
    I should think seriously about things like this more often. But right now I’m actually falling asleep. It’s probably because my eyes are really strained after writing so much.